Highway to Hell vs Faithfully

Tonight I really was discouraged.  It feels like my own family doesn't need me.  It feels like I make more of a difference and matter more to people outside my family (although not many) than I do inside my family.  It's probably my fault.  I'm the disciplinarian in our family so I'm the one that issues all the consequences… henceforth, I'm the bad guy.

Also, since my best friends moved away, Kathy and Sandra I really don't have someone I am very close too.  I don't really think there is anyone out there that would care whether I was here or not.

My own family gets along quite well without me.  Robert, Marissa and Devon don't need me after school, they don't need me for fun, they don't need me for anything except buying them food, gas, clothes, and stuff they want.  When I do, then I'm the best mom in the world … when I don't I'm yuck-o mom.  They don't really miss me if I don't come down for a movie, they don't care if …

They don't realize I'm the one that drives myself crazy making it to everyone of their games or meets, I'm the one that shops at midnight to make sure they have milk in the morning, they don't realize I'm the one that thinks about them every minute of the day, they don't realize I worry about Devon being on the road, or the one that has to take a test.  They don't realize the amount of care, love and concern I give to each of them, and yet they don't care!

That's what hurts so deeply; so very deep!  But, I can handle that - what I can't handle is when they critize that I don't " … "  For example, I'm the only person to go out in the cold at 8 pm at night to hang Christmas lights so we can have lights on our house, and the next day they say, "Why don't we have very many lights", or "why didn't you buy this" when I just spent over $200 at the grocery the day before.  The worst is when they think I am mad at them when I'm not.  I know I'm tired from getting up early and going to bed late, so I may sound grouchy, but I am so sick of being the reason for the unhappiness.  I think they would all be better off without me.  I wouldn't mess up their food, day or plan, I wouldn't be there to make them unhappy.  Everyone would feel better except me.

So, why the title … Well, as I came back from "getting away" tonight, the radio played "Highway to Hell".  That's how I felt my life was going if I continued to have these thoughts.  The very next song on the same radio station was Journey's "Faithfully."  Ironic!  Hopefully Faithfully will win, but raising four teenagers at the same time feels like a Highway to Hell (even though they are really great kids).

You'd wonder, "How can you complain?"  They have great grades, play sports, are good at their sports, are good kids, polite to others, go to church, honor their priesthood…